A Gem Of Insight
By Lynnze Martinsen
I just left a beautiful trip in the majestic land of Sedona. So much came up for me as I tuned in throughout the trip, but as I was packing up and getting ready to leave, I was hit with some very insightful information. It came to me how leaving and change is a comfort of mine. It excites me. It empowers me making me feel like I have the upper hand and am in control while the subtle, quiet moments of “being” and allowing is where I feel myself get wobbly or anxious. In this space I feel too vulnerable. I start trying to figure life out, I start questioning and doubting, I start trying to control the flow. I’m preparing for the next shoe to drop.
With time away from the daily grind, I find space for things to make sense to me, and this makes complete sense for me. I grew up in an environment that was constantly changing. I wasn’t sure what one day would bring to the next and so I was always on guard trying to prepare myself for what was to come, that next move. From this state, I was never given the opportunity to settle, to feel safe or secure in where I was or what I was doing.
I have reached a point where I am tired. I am exhausted of the constant guarding of myself waiting for the next shoe to drop. I feel my body wanting to welcome me “home”, yet I feel the fight of 35 years of conditioning telling me to run before I get swallowed up by life.
What’s underneath that? For me is a lack of trust. I learned I couldn’t trust my environment growing up, I couldn’t trust others, which lead to me not trusting life, down to not trusting myself. And it’s time to change that. It’s time to stop allowing shit that wasn’t mine to carry to continue to dictate my life. It’s time to take the reigns back and believe in myself, in others, and in life. It’s time to believe I’m capable, and fully deserving of the life I desire.
The buck stops here, with me.
A respected friend shared a beautiful quote with me while I was away:
“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.” -Fredrick Buechner
It reminds me that I don’t have to be afraid; that I can rest my weary soul. I can relax in knowing life is working out for me and not against me. It reminds me that I don’t have to try so hard ANYMORE and that where I am right now is enough. I can put it all to rest, and trust in myself, trust in life, trust in others, and how everything is unfolding is exactly how it meant to be in this moment. It reminds me that I am fully supported and loved in SO many ways, if I just take the time to stop and look around. It’s time to get out of the way and to lean in and allow the flow of life to support and guide me.
Sedona, thank you for welcoming me into a your space that allowed so many gems of insight to come to surface. Thank you for wrapping your arms around me as I ventured into every corner of your space in complete awe. Thank you for bringing to the surface what’s holding me back, and hugging me while tears of grief and joy fell down my face. Thank you for your magnificent beauty and energy that has inspired me to let go and step in. Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Until next time. ❤
