I Am Found

By Lynnze Martinsen

The journey toward discovering ourselves doesn’t always look like rainbows, smell like roses or feel very pleasant at times. In fact, to me, it feels like a bunch of wrestling matches with a whole helluva lot of push and pull, a body slam here and there, and some sweat and blood possible, yet with some victories trickled in along the way.  But nonetheless, it’s a real thing, and if you ask me, I believe it’s the most important journey we’ll ever embark on in our lives – a journey back to our true essence of pure love. Once you’ve began the journey “home”, there’s no going back. It may feel like you do at times, but it’s impossible to go back to where you were because now you’re awake, you’re aware, and the things you use to do to protect yourself and keep yourself safe, no longer feel good anymore.

I came home from work the other day so caught up in this wrestling match of my ego trying to protect me and my higher self reminding me it no longer works, but I still find myself going to this place sometimes. Call me insane maybe because I find myself getting in this loop over and over again expecting a different result. But that’s not true, I am human and I’m imperfect. Old habits die hard and it’s a dance of three steps forward, two back. So, I’m not insane, but I am awake, aware, and doing the work; that’s what matters.

My pattern of seeking approval and validation outside of myself has gotten louder and louder over the years with increased discomfort. I want to fight (or my ego wants to fight) and win the wrestling match, but I find my work comes in letting go and surrendering to that which I know is the truth.  I’m thankful I am more equipped with tools now that help me process moments like this and that assist me on getting to the release a lot quicker.  (Thank God!) In the past, I would repress a needed release by distracting myself doing anything and everything to not feel what it was I needed to feel. And, I did walk over to my sink full of dishes, getting the water going before I stopped to realize what I was doing. I was trying to push through. I was numbing and stuffing. I was avoiding. So I stopped and chose differently….

I grab my notebook, blue pen and hit the back room that was dimly illuminated by my salt rock lamp. Automatic writing and journaling have become a tool of mine I use to get in touch with my feelings. I never use to like journaling because I found myself being so judgmental to myself about not writing the “right” thing or thinking I didn’t know what I was doing or wasn’t doing it “good enough”.  Anyway, as hard as writing and expressing myself can be at times, it’s a helluva release for me and it can shift my e-motions pretty quickly, if I do it. (I’m catching on! *Applause*)

Pen to paper and the thoughts flow. It began with thoughts of frustration and anger. Beating myself up for knowing exactly what I am doing, but not being able to stop it. I’m easily lost in my own monkey-mind – the thoughts, desires, needs, wants of everyone else and totally disconnected from my own self, my own body. “Like hello! why do you keep doing this when you know it DOES NOT WORK! Looking outside yourself ALWAYS winds you right back in this exact same spot EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. STOP IT!”

I continue writing and the frustration slowly dissipates and transitions to sadness and despair. I write “I’m lost” and the tears pour down my face. It feels so confusing. It feels lonely. It feels overwhelming.

I keep writing and feel my energy continuing to shift.

The truth or my higher self comes through and I hear, “you’re not lost, but you feel lost. And you feel lost because you’re caught up in all the voices and wishes that are not me. I am whispering to you and you are beginning to hear me, yet you’re so accustomed and conditioned to seek things outside me for your own approval that you don’t believe me. But it’s okay. You’re learning and you’re discovering that the way I’m showing you through my subtle whispers feels good and it’s the way “home”. I know you hear me and I see you trying. I acknowledge that so please be gentle on yourself.”

I settle. I settle and am reminded that my way doesn’t look like most and that’s okay because it feels right for me. I’ve lived many years in a state of effort- the effort to do, be and have more and to be frankly honest, I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of trying to keep up with what society, our culture, and my own conditions tell me I need to do, be and have in order to be worthy. I’m tired of being a human “doing”. I am a human “being”.

My journey is calling me “home” and that looks a lot like less effort and a lot like letting go and surrendering to all the shit that has been piled on top of my true essence of existence. I’m being called back home to love and I’ll keep answering that call by reminding myself that I am not lost, but I am found.